


Artemis Fowl and the TARDIS

by stace8383



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crossover, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-01-18 19:30:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21282062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stace8383/pseuds/stace8383
Summary: When the Tenth Doctor and Rose Tyler accidentally end up in Fowl Manner, what foul happenings might ensue?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

Artemis Fowl, juvenile genius aged 14, sat in his study, thinking hard. This was not unusual for Artemis, who had until recently been a criminal mastermind in charge of restoring his family's sizeable fortune. What was unusual was the difficulty he was currently experiencing in coming up with his next money-making scheme. Considering morals and ethics was relatively new to him, and it sat uncomfortably, but visions of his mother and LEP Captain Holly Short floated across his vision; two people he would be loathe to disappoint. 

Just beyond the closed door he could hear the voices of his twin brothers, Beckett and Myles: Myles was extremely intelligent for a four year old, but had forgotten to lower his voice while giving his brother instructions on how to infiltrate Artemis' study. Artemis chuckled quietly to himself; he heard Myles mention the window, so he kindly deactivated the security measures at the study window. Success would give his baby brothers a confidence boost, and nothing inspires further efforts like an initial success. After all, there was nothing dangerous to the twins in the study – not anymore, he’d made sure of it.

The twins moved past the door, out of earshot, and Artemis returned to his contemplation. He had sunk most of the family's money into what he had simply called The Project. It had been an ambitious idea to reverse the effects of global warming, and was highly likely to succeed, but he was hesitant to continue The Project considering what had happened last time: a magically-induced mental illness, bodily harm to himself and his closest friends, and catastrophic damage and loss of life within both the below-ground fairy community and human society. He knew that the rogue pixie Opal Koboi had been responsible for all of the damage, but his new-found conscience placed an inordinate amount of blame squarely on himself. No, The Project was not something he could face again just yet. Artemis had to begin his planet-saving schemes again from scratch, including finding the money to do it.

Car companies, oil companies, he mused. There was money there for the taking. They grew rich by exploiting and destroying the planet. He'd contemplated taking on the 'Robin Hood' role before, stealing from the rich to give to the poor. It was an idea worth dusting off again, and one Holly might appreciate. That notion crept up on him unexpectedly, and he blushed – he was glad nobody was there to see it. Holly's respect and liking for him had taken a few hits lately, and he knew he had nobody to blame but himself. He wasn't even sure what he wanted from the fairy police captain, or from their often-strained relationship, but he knew that he valued her opinion above most others. His lies to her had been necessary, entirely justified, but he was plagued by guilt nonetheless.

At that moment, Artemis' contemplations were interrupted by another noise outside the study door: this time, a rasping, wheezing sound he could not immediately identify. He frowned. Between time travel and fairy cloning technology, he had watched Opal Koboi die three times, but he couldn't help wondering if she had found some new way to taunt or torture him. He brought up the house surveillance on his monitors, scanning each camera's output for any evidence of Opal. But all he saw was a small blue box materialise in the hallway. Even for Opal this was odd.  
'Butler,' he murmured into a communication device on his lapel. 'Situation. Study.' He thought that using short, military-style language would get through to his bodyguard quickly.  
In the barn, where he had been showing Juliet some new physical combat moves, Butler halted at the sound of his employer's voice. 'On my way,' he replied immediately. 'Stay here,' he instructed Juliet, but she ignored him and followed. She may not be officially a bodyguard, lacking the blue diamond tattoo of Madame Ko's graduates, but she had her own style and cared for Artemis just as much as her older brother.

In the hallway outside the study, a head emerged from a door in the wooden box. A young woman, blonde, with a confused expression. Artemis watched her on the monitors, waiting for Butler.  
'I don't think this is right, Doctor,' she called over her shoulder, as if somebody else could fit into that little box. 'It's an old house, but there’s some pretty new technology here.' She looked directly at one of the surveillance cameras. 'Hi!' she said, waving to it. 'We come in peace!'  
Artemis cautiously opened the study door. 'A bit cliched, don't you think?' he asked her.  
'Well, yeah, but the oldies are the goodies, you know?'  
'Please be advised that my bodyguard will be here shortly, and that this house has security measures most humans could only dream of.'  
'All right, all right,' the blonde woman said petulantly. 'We're not here to hurt you or anything. I think the TARDIS has buggered up again.'  
'The...?' Artemis raised an eyebrow.  
'Oh, the TARDIS, that's this.' The woman rapped on the box. It sounded wooden. 'It travels through time and space.' She stepped fully out of the box, seeming assured that she was in no danger.  
Artemis nodded. He'd done his own share of travelling through time, so this didn't phase him. 'Fairy magic?' he asked.  
The woman looked at him quizzically. 'No, no fairies. Aliens, though!' She gave him a wide smile, genuine, and he couldn't help grinning in return. 'Are you a fairy?' she asked him.  
Before he could reply, Butler rounded the corner at a run, and simultaneously a man's face appeared in the doorway of the wooden box.  
'All okay?' the unknown man asked, at the same time as Butler readied his Sig Sauer and demanded of his boss, 'Fire?'  
'Wait, Butler,' Artemis instructed. Butler skidded to a halt, and Juliet, close behind, slammed into him. His bulk prevented them both from colliding with the woman from the box.  
'Situation?' Butler demanded.  
'Unknown,' Artemis replied shortly, and then expanded: 'But they do not appear to be hostile.'  
'No, not hostile, that's us, entirely un-hostile,' said the man in the box, grinning widely. 'Completely the opposite of hostile. Where are we, by the way, and when?'  
'Ireland, quite near Dublin, 2019,' replied Juliet, regaining her balance beside her brother. 'Why don't you know that?'  
'Ah, the TARDIS sometimes takes us where she thinks we need to go, rather than where we want to go,' replied the grinning man, only mildly embarrassed at the mistake. 'We were trying for Cardiff.'  
Artemis cleared his throat, unnecessarily, but gaining him the attention of everybody present. 'So you travel in a small wooden box which takes you through both space and time, and it has a degree of sentience and brought you here for reasons of its – her – own?'  
'Brilliant!' replied the man. 'That's a smart boy, Rose, not like your Adam.'  
The blonde woman, Rose, wrinkled her nose. 'He wasn't my Adam.'  
Artemis scowled slightly at being called a ‘boy’, but he could understand the grinning man’s use of the word. He may be tall and extremely intelligent for his age, but he was slim and pale, and more gangly than muscular despite Butler’s efforts at physical training. Which, admittedly, he often found ‘reasons’ to skip.  
'The box, by the way, isn't as small as she looks,' the man continued. 'Would you like to look inside?'  
Artemis glanced at Butler. The bodyguard contemplated for a moment: how much firepower could be stored in there? And why would these people leave it in there rather than come out firing, if that was their intention? Eventually he nodded. 'I'll be right outside, Artemis.'  
Artemis nodded. 'Keep that Sig Sauer of yours ready,' he replied. It was hardly necessary; Butler almost always had his Sig Sauer ready. It was a comfort thing. Then, to the grinning man, 'I will take a look.'

The inside of the TARDIS was huge, far bigger than the outside suggested. The grinning man seemed to be waiting for a reaction, but Artemis had seen stranger things. 'Interesting,' was all he said. 'I don't think I caught your name?'  
'I'm the Doctor,' the man said.  
'Just the Doctor?'  
'That's me!'  
'Interesting.'  
The Doctor seemed disappointed. 'It's bigger on the inside!' he pointed out. 'Travels through time!'  
'And it's alien?' Artemis asked.  
'I can prove it if you've got a stethoscope,' replied the Doctor. 'Two hearts!' He thumped his chest with a fist, and wondered why this boy wasn't more impressed or terrified.  
'You're probably wondering why I don't seem more impressed,' Artemis offered. 'Frankly, once one has dealt with the underground fairy realm for several years, the concept of aliens is less shocking. Still, this is very interesting technology, and I would like to learn more.'  
The Doctor nodded. 'Well, fair enough.' He'd been unaware of fairies living underground on Earth, but like Artemis, he'd seen stranger things. It took a lot to surprise him.


	2. Chapter 2

POLICE PLAZA, HAVEN  
It was a slow day, crime-wise, in Haven City, the underground fairy capital. Foaly, LEP tech wizard, relaxed and watched the monitors. He had screens showing several areas of interest both above and below ground, but today even the areas of interest weren't interesting. On one screen, he solved a few cryptic crossword clues over an elf's shoulder, before getting bored with it. On another, LEP Commander Trouble Kelp sat doing paperwork and looking just as bored as Foaly. 

A censor to Foaly's left began beeping, and the centaur pricked up his ears. 'Finally, something's happening,' he muttered to himself, spinning his custom-made chair around to check it. He almost missed the days of criminal geniuses like Opal Koboi. But, he soon realised, this promised to be just as interesting. The censor readout showed anomalies he'd seen before, but it was the location that made his heart beat faster: Fowl Manor. 

FOWL MANOR, IRELAND  
'So you arrived here by mistake, because this TARDIS thought you were needed.' Artemis paused, wondering if this need had anything to do with his own goals.   
'She's a temperamental old thing,' the Doctor said affectionately.   
'When were you aiming for?'  
'I wanted to meet Boudica,' Rose replied. 

Artemis' communicator buzzed, and he glanced at it. He was unsurprised to see Foaly's face on the screen; he knew the centaur monitored Fowl Manor and himself, and had only made half-hearted efforts to prevent it, since you never knew when you might need his help. He held a finger up to the Doctor, a universal sign for wait, and answered the call. 

'Hey, Mud Boy,' came Foaly's voice. When you were indispensable, you could be as irreverent as you liked, and Foaly liked it a lot.   
'I presume you sensed disturbances in the force,' Artemis remarked; references to the number four had become a running joke between the two of them since his Atlantis Complex.   
'Very good, Mud Boy. These disturbances are associated with a known alien, name of the Doctor, pops up every so often. Weird stuff happens around him, so be careful, okay?'   
The Doctor's eyes widened. 'Brilliant,' he breathed to Rose. 'Fairies know me!'   
'Yeah, yeah,' she rolled her eyes. He'd be crowing about this for weeks.   
'Also,' continued Foaly, 'check the security in your study, there's a vulnerability, and you're being invaded as we speak.' He couldn't keep the laughter from his voice. The great genius, Artemis Fowl, was being thwarted by his own toddler brothers.   
Artemis smiled; he could hear Beckett's attempts at creeping through the window. 'I know.'  
'Oh, do you, Mud Boy? Better look again.'   
Butler was immediately on alert, heading for the open doorway of the study. The twins stood by the desk looking guilty, and behind them was an accomplice, which explained how they had managed to 'break in' so quickly. 'Holly!' Butler exclaimed, his frown relaxing into the biggest smile the fairy captain had ever seen. Behind him, Artemis and Juliet momentarily forgot the mysterious Doctor and Rose; Artemis stepped into the study and could barely stop himself rushing forward to hug his old friend. But Holly didn't bother stopping herself; Just this once, she told herself, after all, it's been months. She flew over the twin's heads, arms outstretched, and embraced the boy. 'Good to see you, Mud Boy.'   
He stiffened for a moment, awkward and uncertain, then decided to go with the moment. 'It's good to see you too, Holly,' he said with genuine warmth, returning the hug. 'What are you doing here?'   
'Rank has privileges.' She tapped the acorns on her epaulette.  
'You're a major now?'   
'About time,' Butler said with a grin.   
'Don't congratulate her,' came Foaly's voice, still connected to the communicator, 'it'll only go to her head.' 

Outside in the hallway, Rose was getting impatient. She stuck her head through the door just in time to see Holly land and retract her wings. 'Wow, are you a fairy, then?' she asked.  
Holly looked up at her. 'The Doctor's a woman this time? I approve.'   
'Oh, I'm not -'   
'Hello,' came the cheery voice of the Doctor, the last to enter the room. 'I'm the Doctor.'  
Holly shrugged. 'Oh well, maybe next time. I'm Major Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police; we've known about you for a while.'  
'We?' Foaly was indignant. 'You wouldn't have a clue if it weren't for me.'   
The Doctor was practically bouncing, waving his sonic screwdriver around enthusiastically. After all he'd seen and done, meeting a brand new species was still exciting. 'There's technology in this suit I've never seen,' he enthused. 'Brilliant!' For the first time he got a proper look at Artemis' communicator. 'And is that a centaur? Brilliant!'   
Foaly gave a regal nod. 'I am the LEP's technical genius, the suit is my own design. It -'  
Butler interrupted before the centaur could get into his lecturing stride. 'As exciting as this all is, what is all this? What's going on, why are you -' he indicated Holly and the Doctor – 'both here?' He didn't believe in coincidences.   
Holly had the grace to look guilty. 'I pop by sometimes,' she admitted, 'just to check that everything's okay. So when Foaly told me the Doctor had turned up here, I was only a couple of minutes away.' 

Artemis couldn't help feeling stung; it was nice to know Holly cared enough to check on him, but he was hurt that she'd kept it from him. For an instant his confusion showed on his face, and Holly touched his arm in silent apology. He shook his arm free, but a brief nod showed that he understood and forgave. 

'And you, Doctor,' Butler continued, 'just a mistake, eh?' He was suspicious.   
'Oh yes, happens all the time,' the Doctor replied breezily. 'We can pop off again any time you like. Unless you'd like to take a quick spin?'


	3. Chapter Three

At that moment the TARDIS decided to take matters into her own hands. Her central pillar began moving up and down, and she wheezed asthmatically.  
‘All in who’s getting in!’ the Doctor cried gleefully, grabbing Rose’s hand and leaping into the machine. Artemis made a split-second decision. This was an experience which may not come along again. He stepped into the TARDIS, forcing Butler’s hand, leaving the bodyguard no choice but to sigh and follow his master. Holly shrugged and entered behind them.  
Juliet glowered. ‘I’ll just look after the twins while you guys travel through time.’ Holly shot her a grin over her shoulder, and the TARDIS door slammed shut behind the fairy major.  
The blue box took off with a lurch, and the Doctor yelled too late, ‘Hold on!’ The passengers were jostled against one another, which did Butler no harm but left Artemis with a bruised arm from somebody’s elbow. ‘Sorry!’ Rose laughed.  
‘Artemis, Holly,,’ Foaly said via the communicator. ‘I’m losing you. If you’re traveling in time, you’re on your own. Good luck!’  
‘I’ll look after them,’ the Doctor assured him. ‘Back in no time. Get it? No time!’ Rose groaned and rolled her eyes.  
After a moment everybody had managed to get a grip on something, and the TARDIS twisted and lurched through time and space to a place of her own choosing. The Doctor and Rose were cheerfully fatalistic, and Holly thought that seemed a fun attitude and tried to emulate it. Artemis gripped Butler and yet again promised himself he’d work on his strength. Butler was just glad he was able to accompany his charge on this time jaunt. He’d stuck closer than ever to Artemis’ side since his resurrection, and knew he couldn’t cope with yet another period of uncertainty and waiting.  
After what seemed an age, but was probably only a minute, the TARDIS landed - almost crashed, in Holly’s expert opinion - and fell silent. The Doctor spun a monitor around to face him and checked where - and when - they were. ‘Illinois, 1914,’ he announced.  
‘What’s she brought us here for?’ Rose wondered.  
‘Henry Ford,’ Artemis answered, thinking of his automotive-related musings prior to everybody else’s arrival at Fowl Manor. ‘He began using production lines in late 1913.’ And indeed, the monitor showed what was clearly a factory. ‘However,’ Artemis continued, examining the screen, ‘he was still using human workers; automation and robots were a long way off.’  
Holly peered at the grainy image. ‘So what are they?’  
The Doctor, looking closer, paled and became suddenly serious. ‘Oh Rose,’ he said, ‘I’m so sorry.’  
‘Why, Doctor, what is it?’ Rose elbowed her way towards the screen.  
He hesitated, then answered, a single word carrying centuries of dread: ‘Cybermen.’


	4. Chapter Four

‘That can’t be right,’ Rose protested. ‘I’m sure history classes would’ve said if Henry Ford had Cybermen.’   
‘He didn’t,’ the Doctor confirmed.   
‘You’ve come across these before?’ Butler asked. ‘What are they?’  
‘They call themselves an “upgrade”,’ the Doctor said bitterly. ‘They take humans and remove everything human. All emotion, all independence. They become…’ he gestured at the screen.   
‘Things,’ Rose completed for him. ‘Just feeling-free brains in metal suits.’  
‘Is there a cure?’ Holly asked.   
‘No. Their humanity is removed too completely. The only merciful thing is to kill them quickly.’ The Doctor grimaced. Killing was one of his least favourite things to do, and was necessary more often than he’d like.   
‘So those were people once?’ Artemis asked, and the Doctor nodded. Artemis felt a shiver run down his spine. Compassion wasn’t his strong point, but even he was horrified at the idea of turning human beings into machines. ‘I take it the so-called “upgrade” is… involuntary?’   
‘Sometimes they convince people,’ the Doctor answered, ‘but mostly… mostly they don’t.’   
‘We’ve got to help them,’ said Holly, and nobody contradicted her. There was silence for a moment, but she sensed their agreement. ‘How?’ she asked. ‘You’ve dealt with them before. What works?’  
‘Blowing them up.’   
Holly shuddered. Machines they might be, but there were human brains in there. ‘Do they have memories? Of being people?’  
‘They seem to view their past identity as pitiable. For feeling.’   
‘They remember it,’ Rose clarified. ‘They just don’t care.’   
‘We need a plan,’ Artemis said.   
‘Beethoven’s 7th?’ Butler asked, and Artemis smiled tightly and nodded. The symphony was already playing in his mind.   
‘Better make it quick,’ the Doctor said. ‘They’ve noticed us.’   
Everybody looked at the monitor, and saw that some of the Cybermen were indeed beginning to move in their direction. Their stomping tread seemed to make the ground shake as four of them marched in unison towards the strange blue box which had appeared at one end of Henry Ford’s factory floor. The TARDIS shuddered and shook, and Rose gasped as it was lifted off the ground by two of the metal creatures and they began to carry it between them. The other two brought up the rear.   
‘They can’t get in,’ the Doctor said, but it was hardly reassuring. Nobody needed to get in, when they could simply carry the box away.   
‘Where are they taking us?’ Butler asked, needing information to make battle plans. His hand rested on his Sig Sauer.   
‘To whoever’s in charge,’ Rose replied.  
‘Henry Ford,’ Artemis murmured.   
‘Do you really think so?’ Butler asked.   
‘Pacifism through mechanisation,’ Artemis explained briefly. ‘Ford was a pacifist, and nothing causes violence like emotion. Removing feeling to achieve harmony would be his idea of brilliance.’ Artemis winced slightly in the awareness that, a few years ago, he might have agreed with Ford. Emotion had been a weakness he had endeavoured to quash within himself. But would he have done it forcibly to others? Surely not, he hoped. He glanced at Holly, her mismatched eyes - one of them his own - seeming to read his mind. She took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. He had changed.   
The Doctor nodded thoughtfully. ‘Could be. Ford wasn’t the nicest person. No, that would have been Florence Nightingale, loved Flo, or maybe Gandhi.’  
‘Doctor,’ Rose reprimanded him. ‘Not the time for reminiscence.’   
‘Right, yes. Henry Ford. Probable creator and leader of Cybermen.’  
They all stumbled slightly as the TARDIS was finally put down, none too gently, and a silence fell. At length, there was a knock at the door. Two knocks. Knock, knock.  
‘Who’s there?’   
‘Henry Ford.’  
‘Henry Ford who?’ The Doctor couldn’t help himself.   
There was no reply for a moment, and then the voice outside said, ‘Very amusing. Now come out of your strange box and tell me what you’re doing in my factory.


End file.
